If you're too afraid to take risks, then look away. This isn't the place for your safe little +150 'cutesy' bets.

We aren't worried about losing here. Because scared money don't make money, baby!

Here are the 3 Scared Money Bylaws that you must buy into before making a Scared Money Bet:

  1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to hit safe little bunts only to make it onto first base. We're swinging for the fences! The crazier the odds, the better.
  2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Blindly betting on impossible odds is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become reality. We're fans of the game - THAT is what drives the bet.
  3. No bet is too small: In fact, the smaller the better. Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. 

Now, for my favorite Scared Money Bets for Wild Card Weekend:

Feel free to tweak any of these as needed to feed your ego. Just promise me one thing… Don't get scared! (all bets are from DraftKings)

Anytime Touchdown Parlays

These are simple. If players score, we score. 

But if we are to abide by the Scared Money Bylaws (we always do!), we need some insane odds and some really f*cking great narratives. This isn't just some simple cake walk.

Remember: Home runs, not bunts. 

Build #1 - Nobody Puts Backup WRs In A Corner

5 Pick Parlay +21096

Wager: $0.10
To Pay: $21.19

WR1s are too chalky. There's no sweat in the game. It's time to put our money where our mouth is and bet on the boys who are 2nd in line, but 1st in our hearts. 

WR2s are so hot right now!

Plus, Mike Evans is going to have his epic Marshon Lattimore Slap Battle in Tampa this week, so surely Jalen McMillan capitalizes on that, right?

And no, I could not bring myself to call Cooper Kupp a WR2. MOVING ON…

  • Jalen McMillan ATD +160
  • DeVonta Smith ATD +160
  • Quentin Johnston ATD +235
  • Marvin Mims ATD +290
  • Jordan Addison ATD +140

Build #2 - Runners High

6 Pick Parlay +13488
Wager: $0.10
To Pay: $13.58

We can't let WRs have all the fun. It's time to let the legs do the talking as they walk right into the end zone. 

Any of these could hit (even Josh Allen's 2+ TD), but can all of them hit in the same week? Hell if I know, boys. But we're about to find out!

  • JK Dobbins ATD  +100
  • Bucky Irving ATD -145
  • Aaron Jones ATD +130
  • Josh Jacobs ATD -110
  • Josh Allen 2+ Rushing TDs +500
  • Derrick Henry ATD -190

Build #3 - Am I Seeing Double?

3 Pick Parlay +25887

Wager: $0.50
To Pay: $129.93

I love the rush that comes with your favorite player scoring a good touchdown. So I would absolutely LOVE to watch each of these guys score TWO. Double the fun!

While we’ve seen all of them score 2 TDs in multiple outings this year, the question comes down to this: Can they all do it again… in the same week?

The odds are verrrry much against us. Isn’t it great?!

  • Terry McLaurin 2+ TDs +800
  • Kyren Williams 2+ TDs +425
  • James Cook 2+ TDs +450

Moneyline Parlays

For these, we're not going to worry about who scores, how much they score, or any of that over/under bullsh*t. 

We're picking a few easy winners and shooting for a few upsets along the way.

Build #1 - Double Underdog Dare Ya

6 Pick Parlay +7250

Wager: $0.10
To Pay: $7.35

This is our safest bet of the week (at +7250 lmao). 

While we're choosing to go safe on most of these moneylines, we've thrown in double underdogs to boost our odds. 

I… think the Bills have choked in the playoffs before, right?

  • BAL Ravens -485
  • GB Packers +185
  • TB Buccaneers -175
  • MIN Vikings -115
  • LA Chargers -162
  • DEN Broncos +350

Build #2 - F*ck the Odds. Underdogs Ball…Plus BAL

6 Pick Parlay +17362

Wager: $0.10
To Pay: $17.46

Look, if you want to complain about this hard lean into underdog territory, save it. 

Your balls were never brass enough for a Scared Money Bet anyway, buddy!

  • HOU Texans +136
  • BAL Ravens -485
  • DEN Broncos +350
  • GB Packers +185
  • WAS Commanders +145
  • LA Rams -105

Multi-Game Parlays

I just learned that a "salmagundi" is a mixed assortment of foods. And these bets are a messy, mixed assortment of Same Game Parlays. 

No fear. WE LET IT RIDE!

Build #1 - Scared Money Salmagundi 

11 Pick Parlay +31343

Wager: $1.00
To Pay: $314.43 

We pick a little moneyline. We pick a little reception O/U. We pick a little Anytime Touchdown. 

Badda Bing. Badda Boom. SALMAGUNDI!!!

I'll be honest with all of you... This is the biggest Scared Money Bet of the week (craziest odds against us + largest wager). And it's the one I feel the most confident about. 

The moneylines are solid (even with the minor WAS upset). The Anytime Touchdowns are easily within reach. And we just need a few reception Overs to hit. 

Call me crazy, but I feel really good about it.

Just… believe a little. Okay?  

  • DEN/BUF 3 Pick SGP +220
    Marvin Mims Receptions OVER 3.5
    BUF Bills Moneyline
    James Cook ATD
  • LA/HOU 2 Pick SGP +274
    Quentin Johnston Receptions OVER 3.5
    J.K. Dobbins ATD
  • PIT/BAL 2 Pick SGP -125
    Jaylen Warren Receptions OVER 2.5
    BAL Ravens Moneyline
  • WAS/TB 2 Pick SGP +345
    WAS Commanders Moneyline
    Terry McLaurin ATD
  • MIN/LA 2 Pick SGP +228
    Justin Jefferson ATD
    Puka Nacua Receptions OVER 7.5

Build #2 - Lucky Number Seven-Sweat Parlay

7 Pick Parlay +23635

Wager: $0.10
To Pay: $23.73

This one's a little bit safer. Surely 7 picks will hit easier than 11!

We just need Denver to keep cookin' and for Mark Andrews to prove why he's the TE1 this week. Easy stuff. 

Multi-sweat? Nah. No sweat here. I'm locked in!

  • Mark Andrews ATD +135
  • Nico Collins ATD +145
  • DEN/BUF 3 Pick SGP +750
    Khalil Shakir ATD
    OVER 46.5
    Bo Nix 2+ Passing Touchdowns
  • MIN/LA 2 Pick SGP +385
    UNDER 47.5
    Matthew Stafford 2+ Passing Touchdowns

If you decide to tail any of these long shots with me, just know that I’ll be white-knuckling my way through the games all weekend long. 

Not because I’m scared!! No no no - Scared money don’t make money, remember? But because I’ve had wild bets hit before and I’m a glutton for punishment. BRING ON THE SWEAT!

And if you have any Scared Money Bets of your own, please let me know. I’d love to drop a phat dime or two and tail anyone brave enough to take on the fiery gauntlet of a +20000 parlay.