Remember when everyone put their money on the Chargers last week? Yeah… How'd that turn out? 

I'll tell you how: It was a F*CKING SNOOZEFEST of a loss. A waste of a sweat, if you ask me!

While everyone was crying over their busted -170 bets, I was having the sweat of a goddamn lifetime during Wild Card Weekend!

The only thing that stood between me and a +50559 cashing was a silly little Jayden Daniels rushing TD. 

But we’re not afraid to lose here in the Scared Money streets. So this is your final warning: If you can’t handle the heat, get out of the gauntlet. 

Because scared money don’t make money, baby!

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

  1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
  2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game - THAT is what drives the bet.
  3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better.

Now, for my favorite Scared Money Bets for the Divisional Round:

Anytime Touchdown Parlays

Our skin is thick and our balls are brass. If these players score, we score. So let's pump up the odds!

Build #1 - The Greatest Comeback Since Kim Kardashian

4 Pick Parlay +3046

  • Wager: $0.69
  • To Pay: $21.70

Sure, Mark Andrews' 6-week TD streak abruptly ended against the Steelers. And yea, AJ Brown did more for book sales during Wild Card Weekend than he did for the Eagles' offense. So what?!

So what if David Montgomery hasn't played ball in a month. 

AND SO WHAT if Cooper Kupp hasn't scored since December 8th. I bet you haven't either, studmuffin.

These dawgs are primed for a revival. And everyone loves a good comeback story, right?

  • Mark Andrews ATD +155
  • A.J. Brown ATD +145
  • David Montgomery ATD -155
  • Cooper Kupp ATD +205

Build #2: Groundhog Day Parlay

6 Pick Parlay +14867

  • Wager: $0.25
  • To Pay: $37.41

Every single one of these guys scored during Wild Card Weekend.

Do you ever get Deja Vu?

  • Terry McLaurin ATD +110
  • Derrick Henry ATD -220
  • Joe Mixon ATD +130
  • Nico Collins ATD +170
  • Kyren Williams ATD -115
  • Dallas Goedert ATD +295

Build #3: End Zone, Party For Seven

7 Pick Parlay +11636

  • Wager: $0.50
  • To Pay: $58.68

Look, if we can’t root for our favorite players to score during the Divisional Round, then what are we even doing here?

These guys already scored a total of 106 TDs during the 2024 regular season. What’s seven more?

  • Kyren Williams ATD -115
  • Joe Mixon ATD +130
  • Xavier Worthy ATD +205
  • Derrick Henry ATD -235
  • James Cook ATD +110
  • Terry McLaurin ATD +110
  • Jahmyr Gibbs ATD -235

Build #4: The Nicole Kidman

3 Pick Parlay +11692

  • Wager: $0.70
  • To Pay: $82.54

How do we get these 3 dawgs to calm down? We don’t.

This is the part in the movie when we tell the bet exactly what we want it to do. (We just have to hope that it listens.)

That’s right. Cash for us, babygirl. 

  • Saquon Barkley 2+TDs +340
  • Jahmyr Gibbs 2+TDs +235
  • James Cook 2+TDs +700

First Touchdown Scorers (Ricky Bobby Specials)

With only four games this week, there are only so many touchdowns to go around. So, it’s time to pivot to some First Touchdown Scorers. 

After all… If you ain’t first, you’re last.  

Build #1 - Pissing Excellence

3 Pick Parlay +15335

  • Wager: $0.45
  • To Pay: $69.45

Here’s the deal. These guys are the best at scoring first. Plain and simple. 

They wake up in the morning and they piss excellence. 

We’re just hoping that this weekend… they piss first. 

  • Derrick Henry First TD Scorer +425
  • Saquon Barkley First TD Scorer +390
  • David Montgomery First TD Scorer +500

Build #2 - The RISKY Bobby 

3 Pick Parlay +1887800

  • Wager: $0.10
  • To Pay: $1,887.90 

Off-brand First TD scorers had a field day last week when Dyami Brown, Jahan Dotson, and Troy Franklin were the first to score in their respective games. 

Let’s see if we can catch our own lightning in a bottle, shall we?

And if these odds piss you off… Well, why do big things scare ya so much, little fella?

  • Dalton Schultz First TD Scorer +2000
  • Olamide Zaccheaus First TD Scorer +3000
  • Demarcus Robinson First TD Scorer +2800

Scared Money Salmagundis

Back by popular demand, we're going to continue to let our mixed assortment of Same Game Parlays ride. 

But don't get it twisted. This won’t be pretty. The Salmagundi is meant to satiate the deepest darkest hungers within us all.

Let’s get messy! ALL HAIL THE SALMAGUNDI!

Build #1 - Abide By The Konami Code

6 Pick Parlay +3500

  • Wager: $0.50
  • To Pay: $18.00

Mobile QBs rule the roost these days. 

Easyyyyy +3500 if you ask me. The Cooter“dood”le abides.

WAS/DET -150

  • Jayden Daniels Rushing Yards 50+

BAL/BUF 3 Pick Parlay +500

  • Lamar Jackson Rushing Yards 50+
  • Josh Allen Rushing Yards 50+
  • Josh Allen ATD 

LA/PHI 2 Pick Parlay +260

  • Jalen Hurts Rushing Yards 50+
  • Jalen Hurts ATD

Build #2 - The Only Prescription is More Bellcow!

10 Pick Parlay +10660

  • Wager: $0.69
  • To Pay: $74.24

Run! Run! As fast as you can! 

No, really. These guys need to f*cking run the ball. Because I’ve got a fever and… 


HOU/KC 2 Pick parlay +266

  • Joe Mixon ATD
  • Joe Mixon Rushing Yards 60+

BAL/BUF 4 Pick Parlay +650

  • James Cook ATD
  • Derrick Henry ATD
  • James Cook Rushing Yards 50+
  • Derrick Henry Rushing Yards 100+

LA/PHI 4 Pick Parlay +292

  • Saquon Barkley ATD
  • Kyren Williams ATD
  • Kyren Williams Rushing Yards 60+
  • Saquon Barkley Rushing Yards 80+
     

Build #3 - It's Called A Salmagundi, Sweetheart

12 Pick Parlay +25475

  • Wager: $0.10
  • To Pay: $25.57

Yes there are money lines. Yes we have over/unders. Yes we have rushing and receiving props. 

It’s called a salmagundi, sweetheart. 

HOU/KC 5 Pick SGP +1000

  • Xavier Worthy ATD
  • Travis Kelce Receptions 4+
  • KC Chiefs Moneyline
  • Nico Collins Receptions 4+
  • Under 41.5

BAL/BUF 3 Pick Parlay +272

  • Derrick Henry Rushing Yards 70+
  • BAL Ravens Moneyline
  • Under 51.5

WAS/DET 4 Pick Parlay +525

  • Amon-Ra St. Brown ATD
  • Jahmyr Gibbs Receptions 3+
  • DET Lions Moneyline
  • Over 55.5

Build #4 - Tap & Hold to Load Bet in +40k

13 Pick Parlay +40256

  • Wager: $0.10
  • To Pay: $40.35

Here we have it, folks. The messiest bet of the week, with 13 total legs. 

Only an absolute degenerate with no self respect would sign up for this. 

…So you’re in, right?

HOU/KC 3 Pick Parlay +184

  • Xavier Worthy Receptions 5+
  • Kareem Hunt Rushing Yards 25+
  • Joe Mixon Rushing Yards 40+

BAL/BUF 4 Pick Parlay +600

  • James Cook ATD
  • Lamar Jackson Passing TDs 2+
  • Mark Andrews Receptions 3+
  • Derrick Henry ATD

WAS/DET 2 Pick Parlay +180

  • Sam LaPorta ATD
  • Jared Goff Passing TDs 2+

LA/PHI 4 Pick Parlay +625

  • Saquon Barkley ATD
  • Puka Nacua Receptions 5+
  • Kyren Williams ATD
  • Matthew Stafford Passing TDs 2+

If you decide to tail any of these long shots with me, just know that I’ll be white-knuckling my way through the games all weekend long. 

Not because I’m scared!! No no no - Scared money don’t make money, remember? But because I’ve had wild bets hit before and I’m a glutton for punishment. BRING ON THE SWEAT!

And if you have any Scared Money Bets of your own, please let me know. I’d love to drop a phat dime or two and tail anyone brave enough to take on the fiery gauntlet of a +20000 parlay.