With only two games to play with this weekend, some might say we've got VERY LITTLE to work with in terms of ”cranking up the odds.” Many are asking: “How the f*ck are we going to build a Scared Money Bet, Cooter?!”

Oh, sweetie. Don't you worry one bit… We can make any bet feel impossible, I promise.

After cashing a +15251 with the brilliant Mark Drumheller from our Scared Money Don't Make Money segment last week, you know I'm coming back for more.

This is the most fun you could ever hope to buy with $4.30. 

SO BUCKLE UP, BITCHES. IT'S SCARED MONEY TIME! 

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:

  1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
  2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game - THAT is what drives the bet.
  3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better. 

Now, for my favorite Scared Money Bets for the Championship Round:

One-Man Parlays

Some NFL games revolve around one guy carrying an entire team to victory. These bets are going to rely on that one guy, too. 

Here are my favorite One-Man Parlays.

Build #1 - Just Joshin' Around

6 Pick Parlay +10000
Wager: $0.10
To Pay: $10.10

Betting on Josh Allen to throw for 250+ yards, 4 TDs and still manage to rush 40 yards would be crazy, right?

It would be if he had never done it before! Check the stats, bud.

Unfortunately for me and my degenerate little antics, DraftKings limits Josh Allen's passing props to 3+ TDs. (Are they onto us?? Is this censorship?!) 

We'll just have to improvise. Let’s throw in a lil' First Touchdown Scorer to up the ante, shall we?

I cannot be stopped, DK!!!

  • Josh Allen Passing Touchdowns 3+
  • Josh Allen First Touchdown Scorer
  • BUF Bills Moneyline
  • Total OVER 47.5
  • Josh Allen Passing Yards 250+
  • Josh Allen Rushing Yards 40+

Build #2 - Bark Bark Bark-ley

4 Pick Parlay +1900

Wager $0.50
To Pay: $10.00

If the Commanders have even the slightest chance of beating the Eagles this weekend, they'll have to stop Saquon Barkley first. (Something the Rams failed to do.)

My money is on that dawg in Saquon breaking loose again. BARK BARK BARK! 

And yea, this is our safest best of the week. So what? Don't laugh at my teeny tiny little +1900. It's cold down here in Louisiana!

  • Saquon Barkley Receptions 3+
  • Saquon Barkley Rushing Yards 160+
  • Saquon Barkley Receiving Yards 25+
  • Saquon Barkley 2+ TDs

Build #3 - TE/TD Vision

4 Pick Parlay +11000

Wager $0.50
To Pay: $55.50

Last week: Zach Ertz caught all 5 of his targets for 28 yds and 1 TD against the Lions. 

Also last week: Tyler Higbee and Colby Parkinson tore right through the Eagles' defense, turning their 9 catches into 63 yds and 2 TDs. 

Yeah Yeah Yeah. Numbers numbers numbers… Who needs them? What I'm trying to say is: Zach Ertz! Big game! Catch catch! Many score!

Can you see the vision?

 

  • Zach Ertz Receptions 6+
  • WAS Commanders Moneyline
  • Zach Ertz 2+ TDs
  • Zach Ertz Receiving Yards 50+

Scripted Game Parlays

These bets are all about the script. 

But be warned: For any good story to captivate an audience, it needs to be filled with shock and awe. You know… antagonists, unwanted outcomes, and unexpected endings. 

Don't get scared now. 

Welcome to the mind of an NFL scriptwriter! 

Build #1 - The One With The Upset

8 Pick Parlay +17000

Wager: $0.25
To Pay: $42.75

After everything we've seen this season, it wouldn't be that hard to imagine the Commanders pulling off an upset, would it? 

They just need to find a way to stop that Eagles juggernaut on offense first.

THE SCRIPT: The Eagles fight their way down field on every possession, but Washington has them figured out. The Commanders stuff Saquon Barkley at the line of scrimmage over and over again. Barkley is visibly frustrated. AJ Brown is visibly reading. With the Eagles' run game in ruins, their dominoes start to collapse. PHI eventually finds some success in the 4th with Kenneth Gainwell, but it's not enough to defeat the rookie QB. There were never going to be enough tushies to be pushed in the first place. Commanders win!

  • WAS Commanders Moneyline
  • Jayden Daniels Rushing Yards OVER 54.5
  • Jalen Hurts Interceptions Thrown OVER 0.5
  • Jalen Hurts Passing Yards UNDER 183.5
  • Kenneth Gainwell Rushing Yards OVER 11.5
  • Jayden Daniels Passing Touchdowns 2+
  • Saquon Barkley Rushing Yards UNDER 128.5
  • Total UNDER 47.5

Build #2 - The One Where They Kick It

5 Pick Parlay +90000

Wager $0.10
To Pay: $90.10

Don't let a little +90000 scare ya, big guy.

Remember when the Texans missed a few FGs and an extra point attempt against the Chiefs last week? Sheesh. What a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day for kickers. 

Perfect timing for the NFL to follow up with their Pro-Kicker episode, don't you think?!

THE SCRIPT: Prior to kickoff, NFL announcers over-hype Josh Allen's MVP status and Patrick Mahomes' 7-straight playoff appearances. "These offenses!" "Elite QBs!" ”Now here’s a guy who can throw a billion-trillion TDs!" The air is electric! End Zones are ready to be penetrated! But four quarters later… All we've got are a couple of interceptions and some long-winded defensive stalemates. Oh… and a f*ck ton of 50+ yard field goal attempts.

Do you see what I'm saying? What if… no one scores.

BUF/KC 

  • Harrison Butker Field Goals Made 2+
  • No Touchdown Scorer
  • Patrick Mahomes Interceptions Thrown OVER 0.5
  • Josh Allen Interceptions Thrown OVER 0.5
  • Tyler Bass Field Goals Made 2+

Build #3 - The Rerun

11 Pick Parlay +12000

Wager $1.00
To Pay: $121.00

Finally, an NFL episode that the viewers are familiar with. 

These writers sure are getting lazy.

THE SCRIPT: The guys you’d most expect to score DO score. (Sorry, Pacheco.) Josh Allen logs another one of those beautiful, cinematic rushing touchdowns that replays 6 times in slow motion from 6 different angles. But alas, Andy Reid strikes again. We always knew how this one was going to play out… 

NOTE: I didn't see any prop bets for penalties. Just know that I'm taking the over. 

BUF/KC

  • Total OVER 47.5
  • James Cook Rushing Yards 50+
  • Josh Allen Rushing Yards 25+
  • Travis Kelce Receiving Yards 40+
  • Noah Gray Receiving Yards OVER 14.5
  • DeAndre Hopkins Receiving Yards OVER 23.5
  • Noah Gray Receptions OVER 1.5
  • Patrick Mahomes Passing Touchdowns OVER 1.5
  • Josh Allen ATD
  • Kareem Hunt ATD
  • KC Chiefs Moneyline

BUILD #4 - It’s Sunny In Philadelphia Again!

13 Pick Parlay +17000

Wager $0.25
To Pay: $42.75

It sure is fun rooting for Washington. No one is denying that. But it’s just too late to rewrite the ending and change it to yet another underdog victory. 

Sorry, boss. They just can’t keep getting away with it…

THE SCRIPT:  The Eagles finally start to fire on all cylinders again. Welcome back, AJ Brown! Barkley does Barkley things, dominating on the ground. Jalen Hurts is slinging through the air. Everyone gets a catch - even Jahan Dotson! The Commanders put up a great fight, but in the end they fail to… command? GO BIRDS! 

WAS/PHI

  • AJ Brown Receiving Yards OVER 61.5
  • Jahan Dotson Receptions OVER 0.5
  • Saquon Barkley Receptions 2+
  • Dallas Goedert Receptions 3+
  • DeVonta Smith Receptions 3+
  • Saquon Barkley Rushing + Receiving Yards 150+
  • Jalen Hurts Rushing Yards 25+
  • Jalen Hurts Passing Touchdowns 1+
  • AJ Brown ATD
  • PHI Eagles Moneyline
  • Dallas Goedert Receiving Yards 25+
  • Total OVER 47.5
  • Saquon Barkley ATD

Three More For Good Measure

Ughhhhh I haven't had enough yet. Have you? 

Here are three more Scared Money Bets to get us through the weekend.

Build #1 - Break A Leg

Game Specials +12000

Wager $1.00
To Pay: $121.00

Arguably two of the best active NFL QBs are facing off against each other in a game that should have us jumping out of our seats this weekend. 

What more could we ask for? Oh, I know! I know! How about 8 specifically defined and perfectly spread out touchdowns?

F*ck the lengthy parlays. F*ck the O/Us. And most importantly, f*ck the odds!

One pick to rule them all. 

THIS IS THE GAME THAT WE DESERVE!

BUF/KC

  • Each Team To Score 1+ Rushing TDs & 1+ Passing TDs In Each Half

Build #2 - Backup Running Back Bonanza

7 Pick Parlay +28700

Wager $0.10
To Pay: $28.80

We can't let James Cook and Saquon Barkley have all the fun. 

Let's give these backup RBs a little something to play for!

BUF/KC 3 Pick SGP +2300

  • Kareem Hunt Rushing Yards OVER 35.5
  • Kareem Hunt ATD
  • Ray Davis ATD

WAS/PHI 4 Pick SGP +1100

  • Kenneth Gainwell Rushing Yards OVER 11.5
  • Austin Ekeler Rushing Yards OVER 19.5
  • Austin Ekeler Receptions 2+
  • Austin Ekeler ATD

Build #3 - Stranger Things

4 Pick Parlay +9500

Wager $0.50
To Pay: $48.00

Yes, we're betting against the Chiefs. Actually, we're betting on BOTH underdogs to win. And we want lots of passing TDs. :)

What?

Stranger things have happened.

BUF/KC 2 Pick SGP +700

  • BUF Moneyline
  • Josh Allen Passing TDs 3+

WAS/PHI 2 Pick SGP +1100

  • Jayden Daniels Passing TDs 3+
  • WAS Moneyline

If you decide to tail any of these long shots with me, just know that I’ll be white-knuckling my way through the games all weekend long. 

Not because I’m scared!! No no no - Scared money don’t make money, remember? But because I’ve had wild bets hit before and I’m a glutton for punishment. BRING ON THE SWEAT!

And if you have any Scared Money Bets of your own, please let me know. I’d love to drop a phat dime or two and tail anyone brave enough to take on the fiery gauntlet of a +20000 parlay.