Cooterdoodle concocts a series of longshot bets for Super Bowl 59 that prove that scared money don't make money.

THE HATERS SAID WE COULDN'T DO IT! (and they were right) But HOLY SH*T we came close!

Our sexy +12000 was one teensy tiny little KC passing TD away from cashing last week. And you know what? I’d take that insane sweat over a comfy -150 cashing any day of the week!

Because I’m not scared … Are you?

This week, we’ve got Scared Money bets ranging from +550 to +21000. So get your betting fingers ready. IT'S SCARED MONEY TIME!

The 3 Scared Money Bylaws:
 

  1. May the Odds Never Be In Your Favor: We are absolutely NOT trying to play it safe. The crazier the odds, the better.
  2. Narratives Are EVERYTHING: Betting on something meaningless is an emotionally empty abyss. Instead, we're buying into the incredible outcomes that we want to become our reality. We're fans of the game—THAT is what drives the bet.
  3. No wager is too small: Even the smallest bets can give you an INCREDIBLE sweat if they revolve around something you believe in. In fact, the smaller the better. 

Now, for my favorite Scared Money Bets for the Super Bowl:

ATDs (Kendrick's Version)

Build No. 1—HUMBLE.


3-Pick Parlay +1100
Wager: $0.50
To Pay: $6.00

Look, no bet is better than any other. 

Sure, it’s extremely likely that this combination of picks lands us in the money zone. But it’s just a silly little +1100. Even if it did. We would NEVER brag about it. 

Stay humble, folks. 

Build No. 2—Good Kids, m.A.A.d. TDs


5-Pick Parlay +13000
Wager: $1.30
To Pay: $170.30

Did you know Rolling Stone labeled Kendrick Lamar’s sophomore record, Good Kid m.A.A.d City, as the greatest concept album of all time?

Number one. On the entire list. 

Anyway, here’s a +13000 concept bet centered around a high-scoring game. I made it just for you. I hope you like it.

Build No. 3—DNA.


5-Pick Parlay +1000
Wager: $0.87
To Pay: $9.57

“I just win again. Then, win again. Like Wimbledon, I serve.” 

The Chiefs just keep winning. And Travis Kelce has his fair share of success in Super Bowl matchups. 

It’s almost like it’s in his DNA … 

 

Build No. 4—B*tch, Don't Kill My Vibe


1 Pick +1300
Wager: $2.60
To Pay: $36.40

Anytime Touchdowns are fine, but how about THREE of them by the same guy? 

Last game, Saquon Barkley had 2 TDs on … I think… his first 2 attempts? HOT!

So it’s not a matter of, “Can he do it?” It just comes down to, “Can he do it again?”  

A repeat game of 3 TDs? Now that’s the three-peat we deserve!

 

Build No. 5—Loyalty Loyalty Loyalty


4-Pick Parlay +4800
Wager: $1.00
To Pay: $49.00

Enough of these KC Chiefs moneylines. 

I’m a proud underdog girly. And the Eagles are the UnderDAWGS. WOOFWOOFWOOF

2. Open Your Legs Mind

Open your mind to adding more legs into your parlays. 

Seriously. Let's get leggy. 

Build No. 1—Get In The DeLorean, Marty


9-Pick Parlay +11000
Wager: $1.00
To Pay: $111.00

Let's build a bet that looks exactly like the outcome of the 2023 KC/PHI Super Bowl. 

Yes. The same outcome, but here in the year 2025.

We have everything we need. Just check the Almanac. Whatdya say, Marty? Are you in?

Build No. 2 - Great Scott! 


6-Pick Parlay +2500
Wager: $1.00
To Pay: $26.00

WHAT DO WE WANT? Touchdowns!

WHEN DO WE WANT THEM? As often as we need for this bet to hit …

Yep, we’re going for another 2023 repeat with some O/U. 

 

  • Total 1st Quarter OVER 9.5
  • PHI Eagles: Team Total Points 1st Q OVER 3.5
  • KC Chiefs: Team Total Points 1st Q OVER 5.5
  • Total 2nd Quarter OVER 14.5
  • Total 3rd Quarter UNDER 9.5
  • Total 4th Quarter OVER 13.5

 

Build No. 3—The Hunt For A Hollywood TD Hurts


7-Pick Parlay +12000
Wager: $0.50
To Pay: $60.50

Hunt… Hollywood… Hurts… Get it?

I never said I wasn't cheesy. I just said I wasn’t scared.

 

Build No. 4—Two Good Ds


7-Pick Parlay +2300
Wager: $1.00
To Pay: $24.00

We all want a spectacular game filled with touchdown after touchdown after touchdown. But what if both of these defenses play their hearts out? 

“Defense win championships,” right?

 

Build No. 5 - The Zach Ertz Experiment


7-Pick Parlay +21000
Wager: $0.50
To Pay: $105.50

Against the Eagles, Zach Ertz caught 11 balls for 104 yards. So that clearly explains the Travis Kelce receptions baked into this parlay. 

But… the other legs just feeeeel right. 

And I’m not afraid to try new things, big fella.

 

 

3. Dazed And Confused Game Specials

There’s nooooo way these bets hit. But … “It'd be a lot cooler if they did.”

Don't get scared now, baby! LOCK IN!

Build No. 1—Say, Man. You Got A Doink?


1 Pick +550
Wager: $1.00
To Win: $6.50
 

Don’t be ashamed if you like ‘em. And who cares if your mom catches you rooting for ‘em? 

There’s nothing better than a doink after a long, hard game. Goes great with jazz, too!

Any Kick to Hit The Uprights

Build No. 2—Alright, Alright, Alright


1 Pick +18000
Wager: $0.10
To Pay: $18.10

"Cooter, there were 7 RUSHING touchdowns scored by the Eagles in the NFC Championship. SEVEN! RUSHING! What are you thinking betting on this many PASSING touchdowns?"

Alright, Alright, Alright … I hear you. But honestly, I just don't give a f*ck.

If you're too scared to drop a dime on it, just say so. 

 

  • 2+ Passing TDs In Each Quarter

Build No. 3—Keep Livin', Man


1 Pick +6000
Wager: $0.50
To Pay: $30.50

So let me get this straight … This exact same bet was +12000 during the Conference Championship Round. And now, after we were ONLY 1 TD away from cashing, suddenly the odds have shifted??

Curious. 

Sounds to me like DK is scared of a little Scared Money Bet.

So let me tell you this: The scarier your bets do get, the more rules they're gonna try to get you to follow by f*cking with the odds. You just gotta keep livin' man! 

L-I-V-I-N!

 

 

  • Each Team to Score 1+Rushing TDs and 1+ Passing TDs In Each Half

 

Build No. 4—The Martha Washington


1 Pick +2500
Wager: $1.00
To Pay: 26.00

Behind every good man, there is a good Tush Pusher. 

It's a hip, hip, hip play, man.

 

 

If you decide to tail any of these longshots with me, just know that I’ll be white-knuckling my way through the game all Sunday long. 

Not because I’m scared!! No, no, no. Scared money don’t make money, remember? But because I’ve had wild bets hit before and I’m a glutton for punishment. BRING ON THE SWEAT!

And if you have any Scared Money Bets of your own, please let me know. I’d love to drop a phat dime or two and tail anyone brave enough to take on the fiery gauntlet of a +20000 parlay.