At any moment during Super Bowl 59, you can be sure that someone somewhere is betting on something.

The length of the National Anthem. The color of Gatorade that gets dumped on the winning coach. Whether or not Tom Brady will forget that he’s on the mic and admit live on air that the Tuck Rule was stupid and detrimental to the league.

You name it. They’re betting on it.

So we thought we’d get a little weird with it and craft some betting lines of our own, strictly for personal pleasure. If you’re serious about sports betting, look away. (Or look at some of our more serious betting content.) For the rest of you, let’s pretend we’re Carrot Top and have some fun with props.

Jake’s Lines:

Number of times someone at your viewing party shouts “RIGGED” at the TV

  • Line: O/U 8.5

Jake: It’s going to happen. It’s become one of America’s favorite pastimes during any Chiefs game. The only question you have to ask yourself is how riled up and/or tipsy will your guests be. And how many egregious roughing-the-passer penalties can we expect …

Time Patrick Mahomes’ tongue spends outside of his mouth

  • Line: O/U 2.5 minutes

Jake: Mahomes is the Michael Jordan of football and he’s decided to remind us of that at least once per drive by sticking his tongue out and to the side. It’s weird. But hey, it clearly works for him.

Number of bleeped/censored words in Kendrick Lamar’s halftime show

  • Line: O/U 59.5

Jake: Let’s assume Kendrick performs his Top 6 most-streamed songs off Spotify. That’s a guaranteed 46 stadium edits right there…just in “Humble” alone. All in, we’re looking at a cool 119 of clear and obvious bleeps, plus a whole gaggle of debatable words that Standards & Practices might take a red pen to. But since he’s only performing snippets of the songs, we’ll set the line at half.

Odds of Travis Kelce proposing after a Chiefs win

Line: +20000

Jake: Sometimes you just want to bet everything on love, ya know?

Commercial minutes dedicated to AI

  • Line: O/U 30.5

Jake: Have you heard that AI is the future? Oh, you have? Well, would you like to hear it 100 more times from 10 different companies while you wait for the funny Matthew McConaughey-as-Mike Ditka ad? Great. Because that’s … probably happening.

Number of “birthday boy” shoutouts for Saquon Barkley

  • Line: O/U 15.5

cooterdoodle: I’m being conservative here and going with one shoutout per rushing attempt. You know that the announcers love of a “fun fact”. And February 9th is, in fact, Barkley’s birthday. They’ve even named a +15000 novelty bet after him on DraftKings in honor of the big day. (Yeah, I took the bet. So what? I’m not scared.)

Length of Andy Reid’s mustache

  • Line: O/U 1.5 cm

cooterdoodle: Has Andy Reid been in hiding lately? No. So have we seen his stache this week in media interviews? Yes. So, we already know the length? Yes ... BUT WHAT IF ANDY SHAVES HIS STACHE OFF THE NIGHT BEFORE THE BIG GAME BECAUSE HE’S NERVOUS ABOUT THIS THREEPEAT SITUATION AND HE ACCIDENTALLY TAKES IT OUT ON HIS UPPER LIP?! I DON’T KNOW WHAT BOYS DO WHEN THEY GET ANXIOUS!

Total Penalty Yards In Super Bowl 59

  • Line: O/U 60.5

cooterdoodle: Okay, this might require some brain power. But hear me out—a “Roughing the Passer” call results in a 15-yard penalty, right? So if you add the 5s, add the 10s, carry the one … YEP! I’m taking the over!!

Number of times the announcers use the Super Bowl location as an opportunity to sneak in a sick burn about the Saints’ crappy 2024 season

Line: 4+ Sick Burns

cooterdoodle: “I’ll tell ya … Saints fans sure thought their team would be here for Super Bowl LIX after those first two wins this season. But that 7-week losing streak didn’t help much. Did it, Kevin?”

YEA. IT DIDN’T HELP AT ALL. AND NOW MY FAMILY IS IN SHAMBLES. THANKS, TOM.