I absolutely looooove Draft Day. 

Picture me standing outside of Draft Day's window, holding my boombox over my head. THAT's the kind of love I'm talking about. Best day of the f*cking year. 

So in true John Cusack fashion, here are my all-time top-five draft day rankings, in the following categories:

  • Live Draft Heckles
  • Drafting Styles
  • Leaguemate Superlatives
  • Draft Day Foods

(Note: If you're looking for actual fantasy football player rankings, you have come to both the right and wrong place)

TOP 5 LIVE DRAFT HECKLES

Taunting usually incurs a 15-yard penalty, but this is the live draft. Heckle away! Here are the top five ways to get into your leaguemates' heads during the draft.

5. General Taunting 

The kids call this one “trolling.” But, generally speaking, we're reminding our leaguemates that their picks suck, because why not? The "oohs" and "oofs" that come after someone picks will always leave them second guessing themselves. GOOD.

4. Evidence Based Heckling

We're using data to our advantage here: "You know he only scored one TD last season, right?" These savage reminders of a player's poor performance in the past can go a long way. And, no, it doesn’t matter if they were playing through an injury that year. We just need to scare the hell out of the person who just drafted them.

3. “SNIPE!”

Heckling doesn’t always have to be negative. Sometimes we just need to let everyone know we've been sniped. Give the compliment. (Then you can throw in a little jab: "I didn't expect you to draft this well.")

2. Draft Pattern Judgments 

It’s always a good time to remind someone of their drafting flaws, past or present. If it's a pattern… Even better. “Have you noticed that you draft the same players every single year and never win?” or "You haven't picked a TE yet??" usually do the trick.

1. Nothing at all

Absolute silence is the biggest boner killer. Trust me. The greatest mind f*ck out there is saying absolutely nothing at all following someone's pick. Remember: People heckle because they care. When they don't react at all, you have to wonder if you just fundamentally blew your pick. 

TOP 5 DRAFTING STYLES

5. Overconfident

This guy CANNOT BELIEVE you let these players fall to him. No matter who he drafts, his player is the perfect pick for just the right amount of ADP value. He's not worried about Nick Chubb sitting on his bench for four weeks… He knew this would happen. 

4. Overcompensator

As soon as this leaguemate makes a pick, they feel the urgent need to explain why. "His new HC is going to utilize him more." "Early reports are saying he's going to take over the WR1 role." Overcompensating much?

3. Regrettor

No matter how hard they try, some drafters never leave fulfilled. They always should've "taken someone else" with their pick. Poor guy never gets to rosterbate like the rest of us… 

2. First defense/kicker

Somebody's got to be the one to do it. No matter how long you wait… Someone will be the first to draft a defense/kicker off the board. And if you're first, we're all going to let you know. SHAME. SHAME. SHAME. 

1. President of the Testosterone Club 

Did that dude just draft eight WRs in a row?? Jeez. Save some testosterone for the rest of us, kid. Seriously, are you not even a little nervous about who your RBs will be? No? Well… Thanks for the RB value and for the entertainment.

TOP 5 LEAGUMATE SUPERLATIVES

5. Least Likely to Know the Offseason Exists

There's always that one leaguemate who missed all of the offseason memos. They still think Saquon Barkley is a Giant and D'Andre Swift is an Eagle. Who's gonna tell 'em?

4. First to Draft a Kicker/Defense

I don't care if you waited long enough. I don't care if your kicker is in a tier of their own. You were the first to do it and it's not going to be ignored. LOOK AT THIS GUY TAKING THE FIRST DEFENSE LOLOL

3. Most Homer Picks

Chris Olave, Derek Carr and Taysom Hill?? C'mon man. You can root for the entire Saints offense on Sundays. They're not Pokemon. There's no benefit in trying to collect them all… In fact, when you don't win this year, we're going to cite this exact moment as the final nail in your coffin. #homer

2. Most Likely to Catch Rookie Fever

Look… I like shiny, new toys. I get it. But it's risky to assume the new guys will have carved out a big enough role to carry your fantasy team to victory right out of the gate. Good luck. Have fun. But maybe you should've drafted Patrick Mahomes over Drake Maye…

1. Least Likely to Have a ‘Draft Strategy’

I love this type of leaguemate. He doesn't have a cheat sheet and he surely hasn't prepped with any podcasts. But he knows what he likes. There's no Zero RB or Hero RB plan for this one. Even he doesn't know what he's going to do once he's on the clock. But he'll somehow still make it to the playoffs, won't he?

TOP 5 DRAFT DAY FOODS

5. Finger Foods

Draft>Snack>Drink>Repeat. All you really need to keep the league happy are some finger foods. You know, something with a little crunch and sustenance. Triangle sandwiches and chips won't win any culinary awards, but they'll keep everyone happy between picks. 

4. Themed Potluck

BYOD. Bring your own dish. It's like Thanksgiving, without the turkey or the awkward family members. The one's hosting the draft shouldn't also have to do all of the cooking. Just bring some baked macaroni, green beans or your favorite recipe. Even effort.

3. Pizza

Sometimes, when you're trying to organize an event for 12 different people, it's better to just keep it simple, stupid. Order up some pies and call it a day. 

2. Restaurant Draft

Reserve a table(or room) at a local hot spot. Some people might want full meals while others just want to drink and draft. This way, everyone leaves satisfied. And there's no dishes!

1. The Meats

This might be my personal preference showing here, but nothing beats a day at the grill. Because we're doing some outdoor cooking, we probably need to start the hangout a few hours prior to the draft kicking off, right? Extended draft day?? Sign me up. We'll be serving appetizer meats, meal meats and snack meats. Dig in!