Season 3 of HBO's The White Lotus wraps up this Sunday. For those unfamiliar with the show, every season, creator Mike White (no, not that Mike White) pits groups of rich vacationers at a fancy "White Lotus" resort with the catch that somebody will be murdered by the end of the trip. Along the way, we learn the good and (mostly) bad about the various groups of travelers as their blissful vacation plans slowly unravel.

This season's shenanigans take place in Thailand at a luxurious getaway that attempts to remove the guests from their technological crutches in favor of peaceful meditation and spa-related activities. My wife and I are certainly looking forward to finding out the final loose ends during the finale … and yet my football-only mindset can't help but ponder a different question for everyone involved.

What types of fantasy football managers would the White Lotus guests be?

Useless? Yes. Fun? Also yes.

SPOILER ALERT. SPOILERS. THERE WILL BE SPOILERS.

Cool? Cool. Let's dive in.

Blows all their FAAB in Week 1

  • Character: Saxon Ratliff AKA the rich, young-adult douchebag who got a little too cozy (to put it lightly) with his brother while attending the full moon party

Played by Patrick Schwarzenegger, Saxon just gives off that "I'm better than you" vibe regardless of the situation. Kudos to Schwarzenegger for absolutely nailing this role—you almost wonder how much acting he's really doing—but there's, accordingly, no better candidate to vastly overestimate their knowledge and confidence on the waiver wire just one week into the fantasy football season.

Maybe the persistence eventually leads to good things—the man doesn't have any hobbies and can't handle being nothing:

Either way, expect Saxon to be all in. After all, he is the drug.

Forgets to draft a QB, still wins the league

  • Character: Victoria Ratliff AKA Timothy's wife and mother to Saxon, Piper, and Lochlan, who also happens to be a big fan of pharmaceuticals

The woman just knows how to roll with the punches. Husband steals your Lorazepam? No problem, she's just going to have to drink herself to sleep instead. Victoria just doesn't think that at her age she's meant to live an uncomfortable life, so you bet your ass she's not going to take the opportunity to uplift her family name via a fantasy championship lightly.

While some hiccups in roster building are to be expected (geography could be an issue), Victoria has the time and trade negotiation skills to build a championship-winning squad.

This is someone who won't be afraid to pray to the Fantasy Gods for their opponent's downfall.

Friends who secretly collude before eventually ratting each other out

  • Characters: Jaclyn, Leslie, and Lauri AKA the three longtime friends who can't help but talk shit about each other whenever the opportunities arises

The three friends from Hollywood, Texas, and New York are in Thailand to just have fun and let loose. Oh, and to gossip and basically trash everything about whoever happened to just leave the room.

So basically: Every post-college fantasy football draft ever.

As Jaclyn reminds us: Whatever happens in Thailand, stays in Thailand. It'd make sense if these three spent the first part of a fantasy season quid pro quo'ing their way to mutually beneficial free agent and trade moves … before ultimately undoing each other courtesy of an explosive tattletale in the league's group chat.

Acts like they're the only manager suffering from bad luck

  • Character: Rick Hatchett AKA the hopeless, deeply troubled boyfriend of Chelsea, who has the defining meme of the season

Rick doesn't seem like a good candidate to handle the never-ending depressive grind of a full fantasy football season very well.

 

The man didn't crack a smile until Episode 7 for crying out loud! Whether it's untimely injuries, a bad bounce of the football, or the timeless "I would have won if I made the right start/sit" excuse, Nobody profiles as the constant poor-me cry baby more than Rick.

Needs weekly reminders to set their lineup

  • Character: Timothy Ratliff AKA Victoria's husband and father to Saxon, Piper, and Lochlan, who attempts to convey normalcy while his life and business fall apart back home

Timothy's trip to Thailand was quickly interrupted by word from back home that a money laundering scheme turned bad meant the FBI was now looking for him. Suddenly faced with earth-shattering news (just like a tough start/sit decision!), Timothy decides to … log off.

Seriously: The man turned his phone over to the front desk and has seemingly spent the last four episodes doing nothing other than stealing his wife's Lorazepam and drinking whiskey. And hey, he is on vacation, to each their own, but still: Remember to set your damn lineup!

Gets bullied into trading away their best players

  • Character: Gaitok AKA the kind-hearted security guard who is very bad at his job

"Nice guys finish last" is how I imagine Gaitok's experience playing fantasy football would go. I mean, would you respect this guy in the down-and-dirty fantasy trade streets?

Maybe a triumphant season finale will change this sentiment, but for now, it's clear that Gaitok would be on the wrong end of the annual lopsided trade offer that results in the league debating whether or not they should be able to veto such a ridiculous proposal (Editor's note: No veto for blissful stupidity like Gaitok, yes for clear collusion).

Missed the draft for mysterious reasons

  • Character: Gary/Greg AKA the old, white, bald LBH (loser back home) who gained his fortune by (allegedly) having his wife killed at the end of Season 2

I mean, just look at the guy.

 

Maybe your league will still be cool with Gary. He does have a deep wallet, seldom brings up controversial topics in the group chat, and who even cares if he missed the draft, it was at his mansion anyway!

We are talking about UNCLE RICO here after all!

The annoying commissioner

  • Character: Fabian AKA the White Lotus general manager

We get it, Fabian. You're finally getting a chance to play your instrument in front of guests at your job. Maybe focus a little more on your joke of a security guard or Belinda's warning that one of your main guests is a wanted felon?

That said, just like a fantasy football commissioner, Fabian's pesky reminders and annoying habits are still probably for the better of everyone there. You know, even if it'd be a lot cooler if they would shut up about their performance/recent league championship already.