In today's Fantasy Life Newsletter, presented by Bud Light:
Picture yourself sitting in a movie theater. The lights just went down and you’ve got the jumbo snack combo in your lap, with an obnoxiously large bucket of popcorn and a soft drink ready to push your bladder to the limit.
You’re anxious for the main attraction. You’ve waited all year for this one. But first, of course … the trailers.
That’s our scene. Welcome to NFL Conference Championship Sunday. Please enjoy the following Super Bowl previews:
We start on a closeup of Washington owner Josh Harris. The camera pans down to reveal him holding a glossy 8x10 photo of Dan Snyder. Harris smirks, then dramatically tears the photo in half.
Smash cut to opening night of the 2024 NFL Draft. “With the 2nd pick, the Washington Commanders select Jayden Daniels.” Then a montage of Daniels dicing up defenders with deep passes and rushing moxy. Last-second win after last-second win flashes across the screen in quick succession before going black.
Then, a distinctly Philadelphian voice breaks through: “E-A-G-L-E-S. Iggles!” Smash cut to Saquon Barkley, a man with a career resurgence only Robert Downey Jr. could appreciate, leapfrogging a defender. Backwards! The screen flashes so many breakaway runs you wonder if the projector broke. Suspiciously, there are very few images of him running it at the goal line. Then a slow-motion shot of A.J. Brown reading his well-worn copy of Crime and Punishment.
The tagline reads: “Old rivals. New blood.”
The scene starts in black and white as overly dramatic music plays. The camera finds a sullen-faced Josh Allen walking to the sideline as blurs of red and gold jump for joy in the background. Bold letters the size of the screen appear, accompanied by a loud thunk: “2020.” This is followed by a similar scene and another thunk: “2021.” Then one more for good measure: “2023.”
“Oh maaan,” someone sitting behind you in the theater groans. “Not another sequel!”
The screen pans over to a man we immediately recognize as Public Enemy No. 1 for this franchise, Patrick Mahomes. (Well, technically he didn’t begin the franchise as the enemy, but sort of morphed into the antagonist for reasons too complicated to get to in this trailer. You’ll just have to watch the previous ones to really get it.)
Standing at his side is his henchman, Travis Kelce. He’s glowing. Because this is not regular-season Travis Kelce. This is postseason Travis Kelce. And he is a destroyer of worlds across all eras.
Oh, and right before it cuts to black there’s a half-second frame of a referee patting Andy Reid on the back. Not sure how that got in there.
The tagline reads: “Here we go again.”
- The Sheeshies Awards: Fantasy football’s highest/lowest honors
- Guilloteenie Waiver Wire: Targets for Conference Championship Sunday
- Watercooler: The Jets get extreme with their coaching interviews.
🍻 Get Stocked Up for Game Day Now
The Official Beer Sponsor of the NFL
With the NFL playoffs heating up, every game day and every win means even more. So from now until Super Bowl LIX, make your game days an easy win with the Official Beer Sponsor of the NFL. Order now and get Bud Light delivered to your door—just in time for kickoff.
The 2024 Fantasy Football Sheeshies Awards: Saquon Barkley, Justin Jefferson, and More
by Ian Hartitz
Jake: Fantasy Life may not have any 24-karat statues to give out (yet), but if we did we would present them to the players on Ian’s Sheeshies Awards. And then we’d yank them away, just to simulate what they put us through.
Every NFL season presents all kinds of memorable moments. From clutch touchdowns, to incredible catches, and electric runs: Football fans of all shapes and sizes should have plenty of happy memories from the 2024-25 season.
And that's good—because today we're going to take more of a glass-half-empty look on things and remember all of the tilting, near-miss moments that could have changed our reality as we know it.
Presenting: The 2024-25 Sheeshies, where we honor the players who were oh so close to achieving so much more, but, you know, didn't.
So close, yet so far away
Getting all the way to the 1-yard line but failing to score a TD is objectively a sheeshy feeling—particularly when fantasy managers are forced to watch someone else vulture away the score that was SO CLOSE to belonging to them.
The following players managed to get the football within three feet of the goal line, but ultimately didn’t score later on the same drive, on at least five separate occasions last season:
Eagles RB Saquon Barkley (11)
Bears RB D'Andre Swift (6)
Commanders RB Brian Robinson (5)
Buccaneers RB Bucky Irving (5)
Panthers RB Chuba Hubbard (5)
Lions RB David Montgomery (5)
Dolphins RB De'Von Achane (5)
Winner: Eagles RB Saquon Barkley
This has truly become an Eagles RB category (Swift was the runner-up last year as well). It's amazing to think that Barkley actually left a LOT of meat on the bone during a season that featured him rack up 2,283 total yards and 15 TDs. While these are total numbers, Barkley's 11 just-short touches came across the course of nine separate drives. Sheesh.
Also note Lions WR Amon-Ra St. Brown and Justin Jefferson tied for the WR lead with three such sheeshes, while Jayden Daniels (3) was also the only QB to have this happen more than twice.
AROUND THE WATERCOOLER
The latest fantasy nuggets, silliness, and NFL gossip from our merry band of football nerds:
🔮 Can anyone stop the Chiefs? LaMarca and Ulrich uncover their best bets.
👀 Have the Jets looked up the definition of “kidnapping?”
🪓 Gather two of your closest friends (or enemies) and send them to the Guilloteenie!
🥳 3 QBs picked inside the Top 10? This year’s draft could be a lot of fun.
🍋 Imagine the year Saquon Barkley would’ve had without the Brotherly Shove.
⤵️ Legends don’t die. Their target shares just shrink into oblivion.
Dan Campbell doesn’t care how cold it is in Detroit, he’s leaving the Super Bowl window open.
Josh McDaniels and the Patriots—SNIP SNAP, SNIP SNAP, SNIP SNAP!
🐻 Ben Johnson makes a first impression at Halas Hall.
Guilloteenie Waiver Wire: Josh Allen, A.J. Brown and More Targets for Conference Championships
by Jake Nagy
Jake: If you’ve made it this far without getting chopped, you’ll need to keep your head on a swivel. And that means being extra vigilant on waivers!
The penultimate Guilloteenie waiver run is here, and we’re here to help you strategize your spending and stay alive.
The player pool isn’t getting any bigger: With only four NFL teams left and only three teams alive in your Playoff Guilloteenie, this week is crucial for bidding.
Like a standard Guillotine League, the easiest path to victory is to have the most money toward the end of the season. If you end up with the most money next week, you’ll have your pick of the best players playing in the Super Bowl. However, you can’t take it with you, and this is the second-to-last week of bidding, so you’ll be seeing some inflated dollar recommendations because of that. Let’s dive in.
Waiver Wire Targets
Josh Allen
If you tier the remaining quarterbacks, Josh Allen and Jayden Daniels are Tier 1. If you don’t have Daniels, I’d open up the wallet for Allen. They both offer a significant positional advantage over Jalen Hurts and Patrick Mahomes. Allen put up 23.98 points in Buffalo’s Week 11 victory against Kansas City.
- Desperation: $500
- Could Upgrade (you own Hurts or Mahomes): $250
- Keep Them Honest (you own Daniels): Do Not Bid
A.J. Brown
Arthur Juan Brown finds himself on this list for the second consecutive week, depriving his fantasy managers of any excellence whatsoever, be it inner or outer. Jalen Hurts is absolutely tanking the Eagles’ passing attack and consequently Brown’s fantasy value. He’s still worth a shot given the lack of alternatives, but it’s hard to feel good about him.
- Desperation: $300
- Could Upgrade: $150
- Keep Them Honest: $50
MORE GUILLOTEENIE WAIVER WIRE TARGETS
