You're stuck with family, but hopefully the games are on. Here are a few sets of rankings – courtesy of me and the great Jake Trowbridge –  to get you through the week!

NFL Game Lore Rankings

It's time to fill your family in on the weird things that have been happening in the NFL. They may not care about the games as much as you do, but they'll find these stories fun. 

7. Stefon Diggs Becomes A Meme. Yea. This one made its rounds for a bit. Remember when Diggs and Allen were besties?

6. Bill Belichick’s Halloween Costume. After years of seeing Bill in his cut off sleeves and grumpy faces, it was nice to see him try on something a little different. 

5. Tommy DeVito's Bedsheets. Was this Quote back from 2023? Yes. But does anyone think DeVito has started to make his own bed this year? No f*cking way. 

4. Jameis Winston's Teddy Bear. Jameis has always been a character with some one liners and epic interviews. Just Google his name with “funny interview” and you’ll hit the jackpot. 

3. Dennis Allen's Pre-Game Clogged Toilet. I’m glad the Saints are winning with Allen, but you literally could not waterboard this story out of me. 

2. Aaron Rodgers' Newest Scapegoats. Here’s one. Here’s another that he denies. Here’s some drama on the horizon. 

1. Derrick Henry's 250k Body. With this kind of regimen, Henry is going to continue to be a top NFL RB for… what? At least another decade, right?

Unplugged Family Commentary

We all have those family members who never watch an NFL game, but they'll stand by the TV after dinner and try to fit in. Unfortunately for them, they're so unplugged that they're working off of year-old commentary. But it's amusing, nonetheless. 

5. “My money's on the Patriots to win the Super Bowl again this year.”

This would've been a SOLID bet just a few years ago. Wait until they find out Tom Brady retired… Twice!

4. “You know, I heard one of those Chiefs players is dating Taylor Swift.”

This is a desperation play. If someone's bringing up Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce right now, they just want to try to find common ground with you. They know how much you love football and it's really all they've got. At least they're trying. Actually, it's kind of sweet. 

3. “I thought Tyreek Hill played for the Chiefs?”

Oh boy. If they're THIS far behind on NFL trades, you've got a lot of ground to catch up on. Start filling them in on D'Andre Swift and Saquon Barkley and Austin Ekeler and… You get it. You'll sound like a genius! It's your time to shine. 

2. Wait, the Lions are good now??"

This is going to be fun. Start pulling up the Lions' W/L record and their points scored this season. OH! And don't forget to show them Detroit's Super Bowl odds.

1. “Who the hell are Cooper Rush and Tommy DeVito?”

This is our life now, grandpa. Sit down, and watch the game.

The Battle of the Backup QBs

2. Cooper Rush. While Rush has looked decent since he's started, he's still not supposed to be here. And be sure to let everyone at dinner know that the Cowboys weren't doing well when Dak Prescott was healthy. Cowboys fans love to hear that. 

1. Tommy DeVito. Here's your time to vent. The Giants let go of Saquon Barkley. They are letting Malik Nabers waste away. Let loose! 

Drinks to Get You Through It All

3. Old Fashioned

2. Red Wine

1. Anything. On the Rocks. 

Things To Talk About That Aren't Fantasy Football Related

UGH, I know. All I want to talk about are the games, too. But most of your family members don’t play in fantasy leagues. Since you won't see many of them again until next year, give them at least 5 minutes of non-football related conversation, okay?

5. Mike Tyson v Jake Paul. This is bound to get the room in a riot. Did your uncle bet on the fight? Be sure to let everyone know that you knew it would be lackluster, obviously. 

4. Old Facebook Posts. This is a nice trick to get the conversation going. Did your aunt post a picture of her cat recently? Did your grandmother post about her grandson's birthday? That's your ticket to a great conversation starter. And you'll seem tapped in, like any loving family member would be! (You're welcome.)

3. Wicked. Look, I haven't seen it, personally. But the commercials (and those crying interviews) have been everywhere lately. Someone's bound to have something to say about it. 

2. Artificial Intelligence. We all love a little AI until someone thinks the robots are going to take over the world. Find the most skittish person in the room and tell them about Deep Fakes. 

1. Your Fantasy League. Did I say "non-football"? F**k it. Don't listen to me. You have lineups to brag about!

Nuts

When pitching this ranking idea, Fantasy Life's Managing Editor jokingly suggested I rank my favorite nuts. So, here goes nuttin'!

4. Pecans. Back in 2019 I made my first pecan pie. Before then, I had no idea it was just butter, sugar, butter, sugar, pecans, and more butter and sugar. Those pecans are doing a LOT of work to keep that pie from being a death soup. 

3. Hazelnuts. I'm not sure I've ever seen a hazelnut. But they make coffee taste better. And I do love coffee. 

2. Almonds. Similar to pecans, almonds get thrown into chocolate a lot and it makes me feel better about eating so much candy.

1. Aaron Rodgers. Sorry, but someone had to say it. Even though his antics drive me crazy, he keeps giving us things to talk about. So yea, Rodgers is my favorite nut. 

Thanksgiving Sides

4. Green Bean Casserole.

3. Pumpkin Pie.

2. Rice Dressing.

1. Mac N Cheese. 

Turkey Day Debates

5. Kids Table? If there’s a kids table, I want in. There’s no talk of politics or “get a real job and stop writing about football.” Just food and fart jokes. Sign me up!

4. Ham or Turkey? When it comes to meat, there’s never enough. EVER. Throw in some brisket, too. 

3. Smoked or Fried Bird? Maybe you don’t have a preference, but my family does. #TeamSmoked or #TeamBoth

2. Cranberry Sauce: Yes or No? I’m pretty sure this cranberry craze was created by cranberry farmers and I refuse to buy in. I won’t yuck anyone yums if they like cranberry sauce, but your yums are f**king yuck. 

1. Tryptophan: Theory or Reality? This is real. 100% real. I don’t care if you have to eat an entire turkey by yourself to have the “proper levels” that would “actually make you tired”. I’ve seen Uncle Carl fall asleep every year after we eat. And that’s MY reality. 

Thanksgiving Movies

If for some reason the rest of your family protests having football on the entire day (which…ew to them), maybe you can convince them to watch one of these festive films.

5. Thanksgiving (2023). Horror director Eli Roth looked at this warm and fuzzy holiday and decided, “Nah, screw that. I’m going to turn this into something grotesque.” NFL schedulers clearly thought the same thing when they put Cooper Rush vs Tommy DeVito in a prime Thanksgiving spot. 

4. Planes, Trains, and Automobiles (1987). I know this is a comedy classic and many will be outraged that it’s not higher on the list, but every scene in the movie is more rage-inducing than rostering Tyreek Hill in 2024. Why would anyone volunteer for that sort of anguish?

3. Grumpy Old Men (1993). A couple of old geezers spend roughly two hours feuding. Hilarity ensues. It’s basically like watching a Joe Flacco vs Aaron Rodgers game.

2. Son-In-Law (1993). Remember Pauly Shore? (That was a thing and you can’t just pretend it didn’t happen!) This fish out of water family comedy is a great reminder that sometimes all a person needs to grow is a change in environment. So hey, maybe there’s hope for Daniel Jones yet.

1. A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving (1973). No snarkiness here. Just something to dethaw my ice cold heart.

For extra fun, you could argue with your family that Predator, the Schwarzenegger classic, is a Thanksgiving movie. (Hey, if Die Hard qualifies as a Christmas movie, everything’s on the table.)

Thanksgiving Games

Between plates of mashed potatoes and cutaways of Jerry Jones looking like a bond villain, you may want some activities to keep the naps at bay. Here are a few non-traditional games to try.

4. Traffic Yams. This is basically an egg-and-spoon race swapped out with a sweet potato and a ladle. Ideal for burning approximately 0.01% of those well-earned calories.

3. Football Charades. A sports twist on a beloved parlor game. Should be fun watching your uncle act out “Chicago Bears fandom” without being able to shout expletives.

2. Guess the NFL Player Tweet. Football players are known for their cryptic and often bizarre social media behavior. Will grandma be able to guess it was Antonio Brown that posted “Put that booty on my belt”? Let’s…hope not.

1. Thanksgiving Party Props. Although traditional prop bets are a lot of fun, not everyone is ready to drop real dollars at a sportsbook. So we came up with a rich assortment of quirky props to keep things interesting for the whole family. Print this out (or bookmark it) and thank us later!