Look, we at Fantasy Life try to be optimistic. We root for the underdogs. We champion sleepers. Heck, some of us are still trying to will a Kimani Vidal breakout into existence. And we generally try to keep that same rosy outlook when it comes to the Super Bowl.
So let’s first acknowledge that in the last 50 years, there have been some tremendous Super Bowl ads. But every once in a while, there’s a proverbial turd in the punch bowl. And it’s our duty to fish them out and present those turds to you now:
“Puppy Monkey Baby” - Mountain Dew
If the phrase “Kill it with fire!” was an ad. This fever dream in a commercial’s clothing had millions of viewers questioning whether someone drugged the buffalo chicken dip. Why else would the dancing, pug-faced demon toddler lick that man’s face like that??
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“He Sees Dead People” - Nationwide
Super Bowl ads typically fall into one of the following categories: 1) Celeb-heavy nostalgia bait, 2) Innovative chin-scratcher, or 3) Over-the-top weirdness (preferably with a wink). But Nationwide boldly added a 4th category: Maudlin gut-punch.
In the worst twist ending since Super Bowl 51, this commercial reveals that the little boy narrator has actually been dead the whole time. He died in a tragic accident. So. Cue the jaunty piano tagline, I guess? Yeesh. READ THE ROOM!
“Perfect Match” - Go Daddy
Let me be clear: This is exclusively about the mouth noises. The horrifyingly high-def lip smacking that sounds like a lizard waddling through a bog made of maple syrup. It’s like David Lynch directed an ASMR YouTube video. (RIP)
“Frankenstein’s Thumbs” - Sony Ericsson
Hey, I’m all for a good horror movie parody. (Proof.) But like, maybe don’t show me a way-too-realistic back alley thumb transplant—even if it’s being done on a cutesy green phone mascot—while I’m waiting to see if the refs are gonna overturn a fumble. It’s just…WHO WANTS THIS?
“Whaasup Pregame” - Budweiser
If you quoted this commercial in the early 2000s, I’ll forgive you. But please. PLEASE! Never quote it again. I can’t sit through another tongue-flailing prolonged greeting. “Whaasup” was the “skibidi toilet” of our generation.
“Ozzy and Bieber” - Best Buy
So this isn’t “bad” in its execution. I actually like that Ozzy let everyone play into his quirks. But the overarching theme just makes me feel old. And I don’t like that Best Buy made me feel old.
“Robochild” - Turbo Tax
I think the f*ck not. A weird robot kid? A reminder that we all have to pay taxes? And a cheesy name? No. PULL THE PLUG. REMOVE THE BATTERIES! I don’t want this future.
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